Becoming Major Greene
This is the third part of a multi-part article series on how I was bonded to my shamanic spirit partner and energetic twin flame.
This is a long story, broken into several parts – I recommend reading them in order. Part 1 takes place in 2024; it introduces my spirit partner, Major John Greene, all the things I first learned about him, and the lessons I learned from loving him.
Part 2 takes place in 2025, when John was bound to me for the healing of us both, and explores my evolving understanding of gender and shamanism through having a spirit partner.
This third part explores the deepening of our connection and gender-shifting in 2025. Part 4 (coming soon) will share John’s removal and eventual return, and the lessons learned from being apart.
In and Out of Uniform – Wearing John’s Clothes
From my journal, 5/24/25:
The whole ‘we’ thing is getting…. deeper. I can’t always tell what comes from John and what’s mine. Sometimes I need to make sure I’m identifying myself as Cynthia when talking about this with others. Weirdly, I think that’s going to become more common. If John and I are integrating, won’t it become less clear over time what comes from each of us? The fact that there’s even an ‘us’ living in my body still gives me pause.
Saturday, Obo and I went to an Army-Navy surplus store. Processing what the experience might be like in advance, I became aware of how potentially overwhelmed I might get. I promised John that we’d find something that resonated with him, and that it didn’t matter what it was.
Going in initially, I felt a little shut down and cautious. I didn’t try to push feeling anything, but just tried to stay open to whatever we experienced. Obo found the older uniforms fairly quickly, and I went through the shirts, some of which were Vietnam era. Nothing hit me as particularly resonant, though I found a shirt that felt like something I was considering.
After finding the shirt, I found it easier to look around a little more and started looking through the long coats and suits. I found a really nice wool coat (so heavy I needed Obo to get it down for me), and put it on. It was made in 1952 of the thickest green wool I’ve ever seen. It was very heavy, but its weight was instantly comforting, and I was hit with a strong sense of home once it was on me. Of comfort, and rightness, and security, and I began crying. Everything about this beautiful coat was wonderful, and I wanted to leave it on indefinitely. I saw flashes of a bed, a footlocker, and a shaving mirror, with the feelings of home and security squeezing my heart so hard that all I could do was cry.
Needless to say, I took it home. We wandered around the store a bit more before checking out, and at the time, nothing else made much of an impression on me.
On the ride home, however, I started getting flashes of destruction, equipment – especially helmets – and weapons. There was no narrative or cohesiveness to the imagery; I think I was just getting flashes of memories. I found some of it disturbing (unsurprisingly), and eventually broke down in tears again. I cried for a bit, although nothing specific came up. Just these flashes of memories, which eventually began spacing out and becoming less overwhelming. John checked to make sure I was OK, which I assured him I was, I was just feeling overwhelmed. How do you deal with low-grade trauma from experiences you don’t actually have any direct experience with?
That coat would become a major touchstone for us. One of the unique things about it, is that it fits me (a 5′ 2″ woman with wide hips) perfectly. Waist, arm length, hem length, all of it. This delights both of us. John, especially, as he loves that I own a coat that was much like a beloved one of his, and that it looks (and feels) right on me.
Because of that first powerful encounter, I would continue to work with the coat to connect with John over the next several months. Through it, he shared a variety of memories (no active war memories – he protected me from most of those), and when wearing it in meditation, it’s less that I can’t tell us apart, and more that my awareness flows between us in such a way that I’m experiencing both of us simultaneously.
About a month after the trip to the Army/Navy store, I started exploring non-uniform ways to wear clothes that reflected John.
“Your mother is exploring her military side.”
From my journal, 6/22/25
This was Obo’s entertaining explanation to our daughter, explaining one more olive-green object that had made it’s way into our household to join the growing collection of military clothing and magazines scattered about the house.
Last week I went shopping for pants. Specifically, green cargo pants (following a suggestion from John, who wants me to dress in army green cargo pants and a black ribbed tank, apparently). I’m aware that, when integrating my and John’s energy, it is helpful to him when I wear clothing that feels at least remotely familiar. It’s easier for him to feel present with/in me.
He loves the Army field top I got (as do I), but I’m not willing to wear it much out of the house, as it has a US Army patch prominently on the front. The greatcoat is different, and I will wear that out (when it’s cold enough), as it has no military or rank insignia or identification.
The following month, a breakthrough about clothing happened for John. Up until that point, I never saw him dressed in anything other than an Army uniform. Sometimes field wear, other times his officer uniform (field wear was preferred), but never civilian clothing.
One day, I was helping my husband shop for work clothes, and while wandering through the men’s department, a sweater caught my attention. It was a maroon pullover with a short zipper at the neck, and looking at it, I realized it was the first piece of clothing I could picture John in, besides his uniform. And instantly, John could see this as well. And something clicked – he realized that he was willing to wear civilian clothes. Or at least, that sweater. Which was an amazing start.
Getting him to think about himself after the military was something I’d been trying to help him with since I met him. I’d worked with him to try and find his non-military interests (discovered his passion for aircraft and flight), and getting him to see himself out of uniform was a major step.
I went back later and bought the sweater, which I now often wear with the green cargo pants I found the month before.
Meeting John’s Higher Aspect
From my journal 5/29/25; added to 6/4/25:
I talked to Aileen for a while today, in part about my cancer diagnosis, and in part about John. They encouraged me to look beyond his lifetime as John, although not in so many words. The next day, I sat down to do a general tarot reading, and out of nowhere, I wondered if John and I had worked together before these lives. Instantly, I was transported to his higher self. Which is more like the aspect of him which appeared a few weeks ago in a journey together. It’s his higher self who is the main ‘lord of the hunt’ energy that I feel behind him. And he and my higher aspect have been connected – intertwined, I saw ribbons extend from us and twine around each other in a double helix – for a very, very long time. We have loved each other, and been part of each other, and are opposite sides of the same coin. We have played with gender and form, and been together as wolves, mythological beings, and many more things. We embody the Wild Hunt, and Harvest Home. We are eternal, and eternally together.
The depth of my feelings for him hit me hard, and I cried and cried. I have never felt the love I feel for John, or his higher aspect, ever before, despite all those I do love. I felt dismay at having been without him for so long. He reminded me that John had needed time to struggle with his past life and wasn’t ready to heal or move on for decades. And that now that we were together, we would stay that way for the rest of my life. I’m writing this weeks later, as I try to fill in what I haven’t been able to write down until now. And in that time, trying to process who he and I really are together, I feel dismay at our constant parting over and over. The other side of that is the joy of reunion, when we find each other again. But part of me doesn’t want to go through it again. I just want to remain blissfully connected with him forever.
This was my first experience with Odin, months before he would give me his name and ask me to marry him. And how I fully realized John’s true nature as my twin flame.
Bonding
From my journal, 6/14/25
After Memorial Day, John was still down (which meant I was too) on and off for days. For a few weeks, I had been scanning media to see if there was a movie that he might connect with, but nothing I found resonated. The weekend after Memorial Day, I was (we were) still feeling lousy*. I finally got mad about having cancer again, and yelled and cried about it for a while, which was a big help. For me, not much help for John. After, I wanted something mindless and comforting, so I looked for an old Godzilla movie. And instead found myself drawn to a WW2 sub movie from 1958. It was weirdly compelling, so I started watching.
Half an hour later, I went to take Penny out and realized how much better I felt. Not just better, but happy! I hadn’t thought to look at war movies that far back, but once it occurred to me, it made sense. John’s probably watched them. Which is a weird and cool confluence of our lives. Since that one made him happy, I searched out a bunch more, and the second one I watched kept John very, very present with me. I hadn’t been as aware of him with the first one, but the second time was different. So I now have watch lists on multiple streaming services loaded with old WW2 movies from the 40s – 60s.
Through watching old movies with John, I discovered his passion for aircraft and flight. We eventually expanded to non-war movies from this era that he watched, which continued to help me connect and learn about him.
*Memorial Day weekend was difficult for both of us. It took days for me to finally figure out how to help him deal with the fallen comrades he was mourning. And my only solution was to hand him over to my shaman guides. In a joint journey, they took him into a labyrinth, showed me him collecting dog tags and helmets on a battlefield (to help me understand what he was experiencing), and then took him farther in the labyrinth away from me. He was gone for a few hours and seemed more at peace when he returned.
Merging our Chakras
From my journal 6/17/25:
In my journey today, after other work, I began working directly with John. I don’t know how I knew I should do this, but I began merging all our major chakras. We were already connected at the heart center, and I realized I needed to extend our connection. I started at the root chakra and slowly worked my way up. It was quite intense. Interestingly, our lower chakras felt easier to connect than our upper ones.
I felt him hesitate at our throat chakra, and I picked up his reluctance to give me the full power of his voice – he knew he had used it in a way that was aggressive and at times hurtful to others in order to get his job done. I told him it was safe with me and that we could manage it together. Once we finished with the major chakras, I worked on our hands and feet.
Whatever we were before, we are really different now. And yet not – just… closer. Every time he goes through healing, it brings us closer together. I pick up more and more of him, and from him. What on earth is this going to do to me? I’m delighted – I want to be as close to John as possible, as much as possible. But I recognize that I may start going through changes that will perplex others. Even those close to me.
After merging our chakra centers, I felt off for days and realized that our chakras needed balancing after merging them. It was a busy week before I could get back to this work.
6/24/25
I was able to do some clearing work on our root chakra(s), and aligned us both. Our sacral chakra(s) took about the same amount of time, but I could feel a considerable difference after working with each.
I had already sensed that our solar plexus chakra might be a little more intensive, and I was correct. It took a long time before John was ready to let me connect. Once I did, I understood why.
This was where he had kept all his fear, rage, pain, and confusion. Just decades of intense experiences piled up and no way to deal with them. I felt his deep urge to scream, and scream, and perhaps never stop. The years of bloodshed he had experienced, of violence, brutality, and a complete inability to process the horror upon horror which he witnessed were overwhelming. There was no help for any of them who went through that. That’s what I’m learning from the movies we’re watching together, and from joining with John. Anyone who had served in the military through even just one of those wars, and continued to serve, had to work hard to keep their shit together. They had no one to help them process other than each other. And that was rarely enough.
Note: One thing I learned at a different time was that John never used alcohol to deal with his issues. He needed to be in control as much as possible, and felt (and probably observed) that alcohol wasn’t really the help some of his colleagues wanted it to be.
The amount of control he exerted to keep his sanity at times was exhausting. I don’t know how he did it for as long as he did – I could feel how hard it was to hold on that whole time. And he just kept that all in his solar plexus chakra.
I saw flashes of violence and blood, and other things I don’t want to mention, as he sorted through the pain and fear. He was afraid to fully let it go and give it to me. I promised him I could carry it for both of us, that I could hold him, and that it was ok for him to finally put it down. It was a lot, but not overwhelming.
(Later noted – I don’t think the experience was as overwhelming as it could have been, because I didn’t really take in his trauma; it felt more like I helped him put it down, so neither of us had to carry it.)
Mostly what I felt was shock at how hard he had to work to keep himself sane. At how really difficult his life had been on a fundamental level that he just couldn’t address – there was no time or resources to help him deal with his trauma. And I’m heartbroken all over again for what he went through. And awed at who he was, and what he accomplished.
Once I felt better about our third chakra, I worked on our heart chakra for a while. There’s more work to do there, but I made a bit of progress before being guided to finish. I felt his love and pride for the men he had worked with, and how much being part of a greater whole with them meant to him.
Some final thoughts around my gender identity with John (for now). Wearing his clothes, especially the uniform top and coat, doesn’t make me, Cynthia, feel any more masculine. Rather, it makes me feel like John. Maybe in some ways, that’s the same thing, but at the same time, it isn’t. Instead of feeling like my identity as Cynthia has changed, it feels like it has expanded to include John. And when I do identify as John, I’m separate in some small way from being Cynthia. There’s no better way to explain this, and I don’t think I’ve accurately conveyed the distinction I feel around this.
Part 4 of this series, which examines John’s final passing on and eventual return to work with me, will be published later this winter. His story is indirectly continued in my article on meeting and beginning my work with Odin. Odin is connected to John and began working with me as a shamanic guide when John was taken to pass on at the beginning of August 2025.
This article is part of an ongoing series that follows my journey of Reindeer Shamanism. If you’d like to read more articles in the series or follow along from the beginning, they are collected under the blog category of ‘My Shamanic Path‘.
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