Healing and Transformation Through Dismemberment

From my journal:

12/19/23, Waxing Half Moon; approx 1-year anniversary of initiation.

Just before the last new moon, I started working on clearing out the mental and emotional stuff weighing me down. My desire to free myself from headaches and medications is tied up in this work. At my last visit with Aileen, they said my energy reported being tired while they were treating my head. Stuff that I no longer needed was weighing me down. A powerful tarot reading confirmed the need for this work and that I would find the light and energy I need when I can let it go.

…I knew that I had work to do in shamanic reality with Snowy Owl and my family, and set out to do that today. Wow. My connection with all of my spirit family has gotten so much stronger – I feel the difference when I’m journeying, a process that has become quite easy to work with. 

I connected with Owl in my garden before heading off to our family’s fire circle, and the strength of our connection brought me to tears. Her presence is soft, loving, and encompassing; downy and feathery, like her form. I am so grateful for this connection between us. When I arrived at the fire circle, my family was already there, and I was all in white, covered in Owl’s feathers. The feeling of rightness was overwhelming (more tears)  – this is indeed where I belong, and is the work I am meant to do now. Being with my family in Owl form just seemed so meant to be; I was once again a bright white light moving among their earthy darkness, as I had once been as a small child.

We reached a point in our dancing where everyone else went to the ground, and I was left standing, my white wings wide. The fire I stood in front of was a bonfire. Owl affirmed that I needed to enter the fire to finish burning away the dross weighing me down. The fire was big enough to walk into, but I paused in tears before moving forward. I could feel the fear of leaving things behind/letting them go and worrying about who and how I would be after. 

I finally entered the flames, and although I didn’t feel their heat, I could feel the power of the fire’s energy sweeping over me. I stayed there, feeling the energy swirl and strip away all of my physical form. Eventually, what was left of me drifted slowly upward with the smoke, and I hovered there, disincorporated, up near the stars. I drifted further and further, until I felt a shift, and found myself standing in a meadow, in the form of a naked young woman with long blond hair.

I knew exactly who I was – I had found the young woman I would have become if I hadn’t died in my shamanic initiation. Her/my body was clean and strong, and I felt the urge to run – just run, and run, and run. The power of moving this beautiful strong body was exhilarating and I was reminded of joining a wolf when I first met Owl. The sheer joy of running was just like the joy of flight – beautiful, powerful, unstoppable. 

I spent time shifting between human and owl form; my owl form felt different – lighter, more complete. I then moved between owl flight and a wolf running through the forest which felt so similar – sometimes I was the wolf and other times I was flying over him as he ran below me. 

Eventually, I returned to the fire circle. My family was still there, and I stood before them, not just in my owl form, but now also as the young woman I had not yet become when I left my shamanic path. I could feel… joy, completion, love, and that strong sense of rightness (lots of tears). This is where I have been working, through at least 2 lifetimes, to get to. She is a shaman, that young woman I found. She completed her own initiation, and joining with her helped to complete mine. I have already done work to bring that younger self from my past life into this life in several ways. Now I’ve brought my complete self back. 

Before completing my journey, I went to my small, forested fire circle to finish my work. As I danced around my fire, I joined hands with multiple aspects of myself: as Owl, as a Reindeer Shaman, my younger self from this life, my younger self from my past life (they are very similar beings), my past life older self (who I just found), and the body I have now; circling the fire, hands clasped, then not, dancing joyfully and freely together as a unified whole. That I what I bring back with me from this journey – the integration of these selves in a balanced whole. The clearing work I’m doing makes room for this transformation.

“To continue forward with hope, I release the names I have answered to in the past.”. The names no longer define who we/they are. We are one; I am unified with these aspects of myself that are necessary for my shamanic and spiritual work. The more whole and complete I can be, the easier it will be to hear the soft voice of my higher self, who is ultimately leading me through these experiences, bringing me to a place of healing and wholeness.

This article is part of an ongoing series that follows my journey of Reindeer Shamanism and how I’m building my skills and practice. If you’d like to read more articles in the series or follow along from the beginning, they are collected under the blog category of ‘My Shamanic Path‘.

Header image by Chuttersnap on Unsplash